i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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