How'd it feel making her break her religion?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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