So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
