oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I checked into jail on foursquare
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My bed smells like the plague
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
