i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I checked into jail on foursquare
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
