those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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