dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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