saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
