Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
