My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
My liver just had a heart attack.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
