I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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