My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
