i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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