it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
