I think I died a long time ago.
i barfeds in our rink
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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