i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
