Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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