I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
