half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
