I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
soo... how was my night?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
