You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
