dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
