I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
