So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
