Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
