I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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