Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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