I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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