Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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