masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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