Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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