If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
