This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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