i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
