dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
