I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
