A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
