I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
