I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
