when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
