god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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