yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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