My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
