I wish you could order shots online.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
