I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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