I just pynch a tree in the face
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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