i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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