Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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