hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
