Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
