Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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